A Family Motto

My goodness, it's been a long time since last August! But that's when our house move began... The interior remodeling ran 4 weeks past due, so we camped in hotels and vacation rental houses for a month. Since then we've been in various stages of remodel purgatory. Meanwhile, DS is 9 months old, crawling and seriously considering walking, so there's babyproofing and general chasing after him to do. It's been a very busy time!

Since last summer we've read the entire Little House series of books to DD (4.5 years old), who loved them. (Among other things, they have provided opportunities for lots of discussion and learning about Native Americans and about how beliefs about disciplining children have changed!) DH and I went on to read some of Laura Ingalls Wilder's other works, including a collection of her newspaper pieces called Little House in the Ozarks. Wilder wrote from the standpoint of a successful farm wife in Missouri, ruminating on issues of importance to her and giving advice to those who might want it. A question she asked in one article was, why shouldn't a family have a motto, as many other purposeful organizations do? She gave "Always prepared" as one possible example.

I got to thinking about it. It was a good time to be considering this, since I was somewhat discontented with our intrafamily dynamics and looking for ways toward more harmony and less strife. It was clear we needed more kindness and cooperation, running in all directions. DD, as a new big sister and an almost-5-year-old, is getting a little obstreperous sometimes, but I don't have to engage in much introspection to see that much of her unkind or uncooperative behavior is learned from yours truly. Ouch. Okay, there's some room to grow there.

I let the idea sit for a couple of days and added learning as another important family value: We parents have a lot to teach our kids, yes, but our interactions with them can be greatly enriched by a measure of curiosity on our part about who they are as people, and what they need from us in a given moment, week, or month. Also, lifelong learning is something I enjoy, benefit from, and want to encourage in my kids.

So, "Kindness, Learning, Cooperation." I decided it needed a bit more of an alliterative ring to it, so it became, "Kindness, Curiosity, Cooperation." I shared it with DH, who liked it. I started talking with DD about it, and it's been fruitful.

Focusing on a value of cooperation has encouraged me to talk about our activities in terms of common goals. So we're not hurrying to get ready for preschool just because Mama is a chronically punctual tyrant; we're doing it because she and I both, for our own reasons, want her to get to preschool on time. Any time I think we have a shared goal, but she's dragging her feet about it, I'll take a couple of deep breaths and say something like, "My goal right now is for you to eat enough food that you won't be hungry during the night, and do it soon enough that you can go to bed soon and not be tired in the morning. And I'd like the food you eat to be healthy food so you can stay well and grow strong. That's what I'm trying to do. What's your goal right now? Do we have the same goals?" This has been much more effective at strife-reduction than just haranguing her some more!

Focusing on kindness has helped keep me honest about my behavior toward others, especially my family. Isn't it sometimes easier, perhaps especially for those of us raised in the middle class, to be kinder to strangers or acquaintances than to those we hold dearest? I mean, there's nothing wrong with kindness to strangers, but why do we so often show our worst faces to our families? Perhaps it's because we feel safe with them, and know on some level that they will not abandon us for having a bad day. But I have to remember -- kids are learning all the time. What am I teaching with my behavior right now?

Focusing on curiosity is totally for my own benefit right now. DD is naturally curious -- all I have to do is listen to her questions and try not to brush them off. But I need the discipline of asking myself, and asking her, about what's going on for her. She can't always tell me, especially if she's in the middle of an emotional upset. But I think it helps both of us to hear me ask.

We have family-motto checkups. Sometimes I'll ask on a ride somewhere in the car, "How do you think we're doing with kindness and cooperation lately?" She usually focuses on her own behavior first: "Well, I cooperated pretty well this morning. And last night I watched the baby for you while you cooked dinner." I love giving her a chance to notice what she's doing well. Then I'll ask, "How do you think I'm doing?" A recent answer: "Pretty good. I think you only yelled at me once today."

Ouch. Okay, still room to grow there.